You guys i’m not goo!! I had a revelation. It happened one night around 2 in the morning, and ever since that moment I have felt a confidence in my body, and an unshakeable feeling that I am officially a new person. I am not goo, I am not growing, I am Emily. I finally understand my identity/goo crisis. Apologies if you just got here and this makes no sense. Welcome to Fitteramics, this entire brand is actually a front. This is my art therapy, and fyi nothing actually has to make sense here. So please, join me and let yourself just be.

Anywho! To give you a better understanding of how I figured this out I need to give you more information. So my father died in January. Don’t be alarmed, and definitely don’t be sad. He was a bad person. I only bring this up because this moment was pivotal for my realization. It highlighted something that happened inside of me. I was instantly relieved when I heard the news that he died. My body completely relaxed, while simultaneously my mind was ashamed of that feeling. Essentially I felt bad for feeling better.

For weeks I kept thinking about this disconnect between my mind and body. I found myself going back and forth. Thinking I should feel bad, but then I would have to remind myself that I physically felt better. Then suddenly in the middle of the night it all made sense! A moment of comprehension that I am fully encompassing my body. Something switched. My mind is in the back ground, and my body is now the one in charge. Just like that I felt myself relax. I don’t need to keep looking backward and second guessing myself. My mind is no longer controlling my decisions. Which explains why i’m feeling so different, and having so many problems. I’m fully encompassing my body now, in fact I think she has been in charge since the start of 2025 I just had no idea. It’s funny looking back all i’ve been trying to do for the past year are things my body wants to do. Go on walks, do yoga, eat the healthiest food, limit alcohol, take it easy, move slow, and build my energy back up. It all makes so much sense, my body is officially the new manager of my life.

Able Bodied.

Now that I know whats going on, I am truly starting to feel better. I’m not overthinking everything. I am allowing myself to accept the shame i’m feeling, because I now recognize that feeling better isn’t shameful. My mind is doing that, and as grateful as I am for what my mind has accomplished for my life over the years. It’s not seeing the toll that it’s taken on my body. My mind may not remember, but I don’t think my body has ever truly forgotten the things that have happened to her. And my mind has never taken a second to listen or acknowledge those memories. For the past five years my body has been put under incredible stress. Every time my body acts out, my mind has been there telling her to just deal with it. This isn’t how we conduct ourselves. Over and over again I keep repeating this pattern. I choose my mind over my body.

In 2020 I had a severe hip injury, that caused so much pain I never I thought could forget the lesson. But in 2024 I was tested with my business. I ignored my bodies needs when red flags started popping up in order to achieve my business goals. I re-injured myself, and spent four months rehabilitating myself, once again living in pain. I’m still not at a 100%.

In 2021 when I ran into someone and had a trauma response. Instead of recognizing that my body was telling me to leave, I tried to fix the response my body was having. I decided my body was the problem. I told myself that my reaction to this person wasn’t valid, or an equal response to the insult. Only to have my body act irrationally in 2025 at the first sign of overwhelm, and ruin all the work I had put into fixing the trigger.

I keep not putting my body first, and i’m starting to see that nothing is working. Putting my bodies needs at the bottom aren’t even helping me achieve the outcome that my mind wants. Everything is actually worse.

I now have a long list of things I can’t do anymore. Probably because everything I used to do simply doesn’t make sense anymore. The values my mind has, are different than the ones my body has. So currently i’ve been making big changes. I have implemented a four day work week for my business with rock solid boundaries. I have had difficult conversations about how much I can actually produce in the studio. Because at a certain point my art can also be a drain on my energy. The last big change is that I have I decided to try is to separate my businesses from my personal life. This way I can have clear lines to distinguish work from play.

I now see how important it is to not let my mind completely take over. I’m gonna see how my body manages the show for a while. Essentially i’m forcing my brain to take a sabbatical. Giving it the space to quiet down, and rest for a bit. Hopefully one day my brain and body can start communicating again and find some type of balance.

Recently i’ve been getting therapy to not only help me finally listen, and acknowledge all the things that have happened to my body. But to also learn how to better deal with all the problems i’ve been experiencing. Last week I learned ways to help my body cope. So during times of anxiety or intense stress, I learned I can do things to help me in the moment. Instead of just trying to get used to the tension/feeling, if I visualize and focus on my senses I can help bring myself back to the present. Which helps my body feel safe. So that’s been a huge help. It’s also what I do in the studio everyday. I look, hear, and touch everything. I have always found my studio time calming now I understand why. Recently I had this sudden urge to take a break from Fitteramics social media (my body is in charge, so i’m doing what she wants). I want to encompass being a studio potter for a while. Really focus on the art, and dedicate myself to the vision I see in my head. I don’t want any eyes on me while i’m trying to learn these new therapy skills, and unpack everything that has happened over the years. I simply feel extra vulnerable and need to focus on my body, and listen to what i’m feeling in the moment; in my body. So that’s what i’m doing.