So I have been growing pieces of myself. It’s funny the last time I sent a newsletter I was bragging about not letting myself over exert myself at work. I then literally spent the next week playing catch-up early and late. It’s okay thought the fallout wasn’t as bad as last year. I only shutdown for a hot second.

I think those moments really solidified something in my direction. My life plain and simple looks different now. I don’t teach art lessons anymore, I don’t actively bake like I used (thought I recently had a breakthrough & made a crisp) I used to call my brother every friday morning at 8:30am we would exchange ideas about what we were writing or working on. I hadn’t been able to call him for over a year. All the things that made me who I was have disappeared, but now I understand that they were meant to. In order for me to be able to continue to live the life i’m currently living. I can’t be who I was.

My body has to come first. Working out used to be one of the biggest parts of my routine, and now I can’t wake up before 7am that time used to be 8:30am. I have slowly over months worked my way to timeframe that I can get into the studio consistently. Everything that made me me, just fell right apart in 2024. And I am finally no longer a pile of goo, but I have pieces and i’m trying to see if any still fit. like for me working out. Is literally 4 things I do daily I do a set of push-ups, I hang on my pull-up bar for like 35seconds. I take a break walk around my studio. lift a set of weights for my legs or arms.

I have found myself contemplating whether or not I even want to have kids. I currently day dream during my morning walk that a golden retriever puppy will just show up. Because I know that I can’t even take care of a dog. My schedule doesn’t allow for it, maybe if we had a yard. It’s difficult.

I also asked for all of this. I wanted a better life than the life I had, and the universe is helping me get it. I know that deep down every challenge I have faced I have learned from. This one was a doosey and it is still taking it’s toll. I have a long way to go. I decided on the direction I want my new emily to take. It came about while my over exertion at the end of summer. I have realized over the years that when i’m tired I tend to come across as rude or blunt. I first realized this five years ago during a severe hip injury that affected my sleep. I continued working during that time because there wasn’t really another option and I also needed to keep my self busy with distraction. Not long after that time it was brought to my attention that I was a problem. People were complaining that I was being rude. Which caught me completely off guard because I was trying so hard to act normal. I put it out of my mind and summed it up to the fact that I was in a lot of pain. However I have been having the same problems ever since the end of 2023. I think I had a pleasant interaction with someone, and then my husband asks me later why I was being so rude. It’s been causing me a lot of anguish. I end up crying and feeling awful because I don’t want to be rude. I work really hard to come across as nice, and friendly. But I have come to the conclusion that when i’m tired, I think i’m saying something with a dynamic voice, but it leaves my mouth in a rude tone. Anyway, I recently had a customer come in and I know I must have done something wrong. I could just feel it. But I was headed out the door, and so I handed him off to bob. And Instead of spending my entire car ride and then lunch replaying the conversation over in my head to figure out where I went wrong I just said whatever. I went to lunch and came back, and I didn’t feel bad or exhausted from trying to figure out my misstep. It was a revelation.

Why am I wasting my energy on things that don’t matter. Why do I even care about what this person thinks of me? What have I been doing?

I kept my energy, I didn’t give it away. My body has more fuel because of it. Now that I have a better understanding of what my body has been exploding for, I need to change the way i’m living. I need to embrace not keeping up facades, because I need to take care of myself. I can’t keep giving away all my energy, my body needs it.

I’m hoping one day my life will feel soft and safe. So that I don’t have to abandon my bodies needs but until then I am choosing me.